Crumbling Away
by roomiesLOVE
Summary: Neela is at a loss of all control. Will the man she truly wants to be with now, be right by her side to help her get past this troubled point she comes to face once again, or back down because of his own fright?
1. Disappearing, that's all she needs

**_I do NOT own any of ER, as in the characters, HOWEVER, this story is entirely one of my own. I was inspired by another story from this site actually to write one on an eating disorder. As well as that, there is one quote from the story that doesn't belong to me, that I had found in another story as a matter of fact. It will be underlined so you will indeed know._**

**Please review, and do whatever you do on this site c:  
I am new to this site with posting of stories and this here is my first try, I wrote part of this quite some time ago so I just have fixed it up, _a lot, _in my opinion. Thank you in advance.**

**Spoilers: **None really, just you should know Neela & Tony just started going out and that's all.

**Content: **Self inflicted abuse.

Ray gripped upon Neela's shoulder, in a reassuring way. She had just lost a patient, and she feels the reason of death was due to an oblivious mistake. It was her third patient who died today on the table, right in front of her. Thoughts kept replaying in her mind. Going back to when she was younger, still living with her parents, and in school, how life has always seemed to be for her. _Nothing_ but blemishes and glitches.

"Ray, can't I do anything right? I mean 3 patients in a row. That must be a new record or something," Neela stated, a hollow hint in her voice. It was easy to tell she was genuinely upset. She hated losing just 1 patient, let alone 3; she just latches to them at first meeting. However, that ability to accept any one and any body had to be a skill to be grateful for.

"Yeah, you do plenty of things right. You know how to wash dishes, clean up messes I make, except you aren't so bright when it comes to keeping the snow out, but we can work on that cant we?" Ray retorted in a slightly humorous way, raising an eye brow and winking at her.

"Ray, this isn't funny. Three people died today. Another one _also_ needed to be shocked because apparently I misdiagnosed." She nearly shouted those words. She covered her face with her hands, to hide the red tint starting to flutter upon her face. She had suddenly felt a little woozy. Her stomach began to ache as she fell back against the lounge window.

"Whoa, you okay roomie?" Ray questioned as he had began to worry for his friend. "You have been on call for a long time, double shift right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine Ray. Just got a little dizzy, that's all," Neela lied through her teeth, she was more than just a _little_ dizzy. She didn't feel well at all. She was exhausted; she had no sleep for 19 hours straight. Her second shift was coming to an end soon, something she could look forward to, rather depressingly so, still 4 hours remained.

"Neela you haven't had a bite to eat all day have you? I haven't seen you even take the smallest of all breaks. You didn't eat any cereal before we left niether, where I did, and I still took 2 food breaks."

A sudden idea had grown in Ray's mind, rather rapidly. Ray jolted through the near lounge doors, grabbed the box of pastries he bought from across the street as a peace offering to the nurses, except he felt she needed them now more than they did. "Come on take, you really are missing out. These bad boys don't last long here you know," Ray said smiling down on Neela, trying to lighten the tense mood from her fall back.

"Ray, I just think it's that I'm not feeling well. Like I caught a bug or something. Stomach has been a little off since I ate that Chinese food."

"Hey, don't blame Master Wok for this. I go there all the time. The food is excellent!" Neela couldn't help but let out a small giggle, her roommate and his food. The way he always talks about it is as if he would marry it if he had the choice, and it didn't come off as rather insane.

"Well what's so funny here Mayday?" Ray glared at the suddenly appearing Tony with an evil look. His feelings for Neela may have went unspoken, but you can sense his attraction to Neela, half the hospital thought they have slept together already, feelings wouldn't come as a surprise to many, so Ray's unknown hatred towards Gate was expected.

"Tony, I thought I told you not to pester me no more. _We_ are no longer _us_. And yes, I know that Abby is moving in with Luka, and I even know I cant afford her place, but stop offering me shelter, I will be living with Ray so there is no need for you to even bother asking any more."

"I believe no means no Dr. Gates." Hope interrupted after overhearing them.

Ray chuckled and Gates just walked away. He had a feeling Neela wasn't looking to get back with him any time soon. Doesn't mean he would stop trying though, he would just need to change his behavior, give her a little something new to try out.

Neela, too, had laughed at Hope's retort, however, she had to immediately clutch to her stomach as the agonizing pains grew.

"You know, I think I am going to find Luka and tell him I am not well, so I can get off a few hours early, I could really use the rest."

"Alright, I'll see you around." Ray yelled after her as she had rather briskly began walking out of site.

* * *

"Hi Neela, something the matter?" Luka questioned, although he didn't feel it was necessary, by her appearance she seemed to be a little ill. 

"I'm not feeling well at all Luka, I have worked for over 15 hours on this double shift, is there any chance I can be let out early?"

"Yes, I believe we can make that work. It is a little quiet around here anyway, you go home, get some rest. Be better for the morning."

* * *

Upon opening the locker, Neela slipped off her white lab coat, and placed the warm winter jacket over her petite body. 

"So you got off?" Neela slowly turned around to see Ray hovering around in the corner, he seemed a little frantic, a little worried, even though Neela had led him to believe she only had bad take out last night.

"Yeah, I did," Neela replied with a small grin stretching across her face.

"I think we are running low on aspirin, I will stop by the Jumbo Mart after my shift to get us some more. You may need those you know." Ray said looking at her with much concern flooding in his hazel eyes.

"Alright, thanks Ray." Neela's smile had grown wider, letting her emotions take the better of her sickness, and general mood.

* * *

As Neela walked out the automatic doors, the frigid cold struck her face, turning it to that of a pale color. Neela had been upset. She and Gates had called it quits, and Ray still stood his distance. It was okay to see him being careful after how she had pushed him so far out of her life after Michael. She was glad they were rekindling their friendship, but now, she wanted more, the way he makes her feel isn't like any other. The one person who can manage to put a smile on her face while she is living down a lie to her self and others. She figures after she made him wait, it is only fair she do the same for him right now, it will show she really cares. 

Neela thought about her whole situation with Ray the entire trip home. From the walk to the station, to the ride on the El, some of her thinking had even led back again to being now in high school, failing a biology exam. The look of disappointment on Ray's face when he knew about her and Gates was an utterly similar resemblance to her father's face with that big fat F. She tried, and it took a lot of time, and she had failed both. She had let Ray down, making her a failure in his eyes. And with that test, she had literally failed that.

She slowly made her way into the apartment and brushed the loose snowflakes from her hair. To take her mind off of everything that made her out to be a bad person, she made her way into the bathroom. She pulled the scale out from under the counter and reluctantly stepped on.

_"122? What is that Neela?"_ She pondered._ "I couldn't control the grades I had gotten in the past, and the expression on my father's face. I couldn't control the fact I just wasn't born a natural well soccer player. I can't control the survival rate of my patients. I can't control the way Gates always drools over me, which lures Ray away. I can't even control my weight now to keep it at most 120? I must be losing it."_

Neela recalled another memory from her teenager years. The _second_ F she had received. Except this was on the report card. Those were the darkest years of her life she wished to never relive again. That _too_, was even impossible for her to control some times. She hadn't been able to forget anything easily. She lifted up the lid on the toilet, gazing down.

* * *

"Hey Ray, do you know what's the matter with Neela?" Abby requested.

"She claims to _have eaten bad Chinese food_." Ray stated shrugging his shoulders, glancing over a chart.

"Well, what do you mean?"

"I always go there, they never once served me bad food, besides I got from them that same night, the same _exact_ meal."

"Well do you think it's serious?"

"Nah, she lost a lot of patients recently, she was just complaining to me about that, you know she probably just needs to sleep. She was upset that she had lost control over so many of her patients' diagnoses." Ray paused. "I'm sure she will be better tomorrow."

"Hope your right Barnett." Ray glanced up at Abby as she then waltzed away from him.

* * *

Neela turned the shower dial all the way to the left. She dropped her towel that had been tied around her now _slightly_ slimmer body, according to the scale. She let loose her wavy luscious curls and stepped in. The scorching water soothed her trembling body. She had goose bumps all around even though the water she was in was burning at her back, pecking as if they were little needles, and yet only being little water pebbles. 

Neela picked up her soap puff, and squeezed a massive amount of cleanser out. She started to scrub her body. Her skin was already red, and became a much more beat red color as she was scratching her arms and legs with the roughness, and anywhere she could get a good reach of. As she was doing this, the burning sensation of the water didn't really faze Neela. In fact, it was as if some of the pain had been relieved. What her mind was on was changing. The steam from the shower had filled the entire room.

Her body has gained the upper hand of her once again. As she was heading down this path, she knew this was going to be hard to retreat from. She had lost total control over everything in her life. Nothing, nothing at all had been right or done right. The slender body had slowly slid down the tile of the shower wall. Being scrunched up in the corner the tears freely began to pour out like a fountain. The thought, her body crumbling away, thats not what she wanted, it's what she needed. To just _disappear._


	2. Fly Away

"Hey, Ray, how many patients have you discharged?" Ray jumped just a little at the random sound of Abby calling his attention.

"24, and you try to beat that Dr. Lockhart."

"I did. 26," She said in a competitive manner. "That means I get to go home early. LU-"

Ray threw his hands over Abby's mouth trying to drown out the sound of her calling the boss. Obviously he would side with her.

"Come on Abby, please. Neela isn't feeling well. I just want to be there for her."

"Make it a little more obvious your crushing on her ," Abby responded, looking around frantically hoping to spot Kovac, that tall Croatian, he was almost impossible to miss, even in a crowd.

"What? Come on Abby, I was working a double today. So I'm tired as well."

Abby rolled her eyes, "Fine, whatever Ray. Go find Luka, tell him 'you' won the bet."

"Thanks a lot Abby," Ray spoke as he began his search for his resident.

"We all know you owe me one now." Abby retorted playfully. Ray stopped dead in his tracks. Shook his head with out looking back and a smug smile grew on his face. The ways Abby worked, it never ceased to amaze him.

* * *

"Oh Neela, I'm home!" Ray shouted as if he was coming home to his housewife. Ray carried with him a bundle of food from the Italian resteraunt Emilios, from down the block, and a bottle of aspirin. "Neel-" Ray began as he noticed all the candy wrappers thrown on the floor as well as a bowl with just milk in it, with _both_ of the cereal boxes he brought home yesterday, along with other groceries such as potato chip bags left out and practically finished.

"What the hell?" Ray stopped walking for a moment to hear the slightest sound coming from the bathroom.

Ray made his way over the mess in the kitchen, to lean his ear up against the wooden bathroom door to make sure what he was hearing was legit. _Is she really sick?_ He then lightly tapped on the door, "Uh, Neela, what happened here tonight? Is everything fine?" he questioned, yet no answer.

"Neela. Come out. We need to talk."

"About what," Neela practically shouted through the door with anger and sadness rolled into one.

"Well what ever is going on here, in there, with you or what ever you would like to say, I need to know what's the matter." Ray felt Neela grip the door handle and begin to turn it, so he backed up to give her some space. In her pajamas, Neela had her arms crossed and folded over her chest, hair a mess and swaying all over her face, which had been facing down. She used her body to try and make it past Ray. He gently tugged on Neela's right arm and pulled her fragile frame in front.

"Neela, are you okay?" Ray asked once again, trying not to sound as if he demanded an explanation.

"I'm fine Ray, just that Chinese food," Ray quickly jumped in. He was full of anger. _Why had Neela been trying so damn hard to lie to him?_

"No, Neela. I know that's not it. I ate the same food. You couldn't finish, so I helped you out? So stop this bull shit, and tell me the truth." Ray's voice was much more demanding now. He just cared for her so much that he needed to figure her out.

"God Ray, this is my life. Why are you going crazy over it."

"This isn't going crazy Neela. It's called being concerned, with someone close to me, you know that isn't a crime."

"No, it's not, but I sure as hell don't understand you right now. Why wont you just let me go to my room. I just went to the bathroom."

Ray shook his head with frustration building up, nearing the surface, "No Neela, you didn't. Those walls aren't sound proof."

"I already told you it was the Chinese food!" Neela had raised the tone of her voice. Now gazing sternly into Ray's hazel eyes.

"Then why would you rade the kitchen and eat pretty much anything you could find in the cupboards if your stomach was bothering you so damn much? And why would you have the need to change your story from just 5 minutes ago!"

Neela placed her head back in the downward position. She didn't want to look at Ray. He may have caught onto her devilish behaviors from her past, which was now rehashing.

"Neela, please, just tell me what's wrong. I want to be able to help you."

"Why would you have the need to help me?"

"Because I care about you god damnit!"

"That's not good enough."

"Maybe it's because I feel for you like I haven't for another. Maybe I wanted to be with you but I was scared to admit it because you were married. I mean plus right after, you leaped into the arms of Gates. I wasn't just going to come out and say it to you, so you could what, push me so far out of your life that it would be possible for no return?"

Neela's heart just dropped. Ray had finally admitted to having feelings for her, and she wanted that more than ever now. Why was it so hard for her to handle? Why couldn't she even control her _own_ actions at times like these? These are those moments where she wanted to feel like the wind, wanted to soar through the air, and out of any given situation. She wanted to, but being her self didn't seem good enough to be set free, and whenever it came to Ray it came on at a much stronger force, making everything _that_ much harder.

"Ray, let me go." Neela stated now pleading, using the little strength she feels she has to hold back from crying.

"Neela," Ray replied calmly.

"No, Ray, just let me go. Now. Just don't touch me." Neela's hands were now scratching at Ray's wrists as tears were brimming the corner of her eyes.

Neela continuously tried to free her self from the grip of Ray's palms as they tugged against her weak body. Ray felt Neela trying to loosen his pull on her arm, and it frightened him. He jolted back in shock and released her from his grasp. She walked with tears stained onto her face, keeping her head facing down the entire time.

Ray was barely holding onto her and she couldn't manage to get free? Had this been something ongoing that he just hadn't noticed? If he didn't get home early this night would Neela continue to harm herself like this? He was petrified of how he never noticed this about Neela. To him she was that perfect British girl. Always liked having the upper hand, and a lot of control. Always very confident and very intelligent. Was all that just an act or show? Was the appearance he pictured of Neela, like many others at County, was it the cause to her, _he hated to admit that he was so oblivious to this fact_, but, _eating disorder_?

* * *

Back in her room, Neele lightly closed the door and locked it. She walked over to her vanity, yanked off the picture of her and Ray and from a drawer pulled out an old journal. It had been the diary she used many times before, one time being for her feelings of Michael. She read through many of her previous entries, how life seemed so serene and perfect then when it wasn't. She just lived life and not much else mattered. With Ray, everything had mattered. She had to be an excellent doctor because she had to impress him. She had to be organized at the apartment so he would believe one day she could make an excellent wife. However nothing was perfect. She tried so hard and each time it failed, loaring her into another relapse. She sloppily wrote how she was feeling down, threw the picture in between that page and the next clean one.

She shut the book and curdled up as tiny as she could get. Her face was burried in her knees, with her arms wrapped around. She cried, longing for life to improve. That isn't how she wanted to live. Again it was a _necessity._ She wanted the strong powerful wind to be able to pick her up, so she could _fly away_.


End file.
